Tough day for Mumma

Yesterday was a tough one for me- both physically and mentally.  In general, my recovery process has been going swimmingly.  I've been up and walking- perhaps even for longer distances than the nurses may like, but I've felt ok.  A little sore, but not so bad.  In fact, Friday night and Saturday morning I started to cut down on some of my doses of meds.  Pain hasn't been so bad.

Thursday and Friday mornings after waking we would make our way "quickly" over to Children's to see Bennett.  I put quickly in quotes because we found that between when we wake up and when we can leave, it seems to take 2-3 hours.  Pumping, showering, ordering food and eating, and speaking with the nurses takes a while!  But yesterday we decided to take it a little easier.  We knew we'd have a lot of visitors today over at Children's, so we spent some more time gathering some things together so that we could rest at Children's- laptop, magazines, etc.  By the time we headed over it was probably 11:00 or so.

We got there and had a little bit of time to get updated on how Bennett's doing.  And I went to pump.  Bennett's first visitors of the day were Uncle Andrew and Aunt Gentry.  Unfortunately they didn't get to stay long.  The nurse was going to remove some of Bennett's lines and wanted us to step out while she did this.  Since it was after lunch time by this point, we headed down to the cafe.  While there, Grandma and Grandpa Tedford arrived.  We all chatted for a bit and then Andrew and Gentry had to leave for a wedding that they were going to.  I felt bad that their visit with Bennett was so short, but there will be plenty more opportunities.

A short while later Mel arrived.  She seems to have a knack for timing her visits when I'm pumping. :)  When she came by on Friday I was just finishing up, and yesterday I was just starting.  She got to visit with Bennett, Daddy Chris, and the grandparents while I pumped.  Unfortunately her visit was probably cut short by my clumsiness. 


I  had been at the sink washing my pump parts.  As I turned to walk to put the parts away, the leg of my pants got stuck on the footrest of the wheelchair and down I went.  According to those who saw, it was a very graceful fall.  Bennett's nurse had stepped out of the room, but another nurse came over to make sure I was ok.  When Ben's nurse returned she told me I had to go get checked out.  I was going to go anyway, but she was pretty insistent that I go in the next 20 minutes.  So everyone took this as their cue to leave.  Mel headed home and the grandparents headed back to our house.

Chris and I headed back to the Brigham.  Although I had walked over to Children's in the morning, we had brought a wheelchair in case I needed it.  I needed it to get back!  I'll admit it, I was in pain.  Part of the pain was probably just due to the fact that I was overdue to take my meds, but other pain was fall related.  When we got back to my room we had a nurse come in and check me out, and she had a doctor come by who asked me a few questions as well, just to be safe.  All looked good, but I was sore.  And tired.  I lay in bed for a while until we got a call that Chris' co-worker Leslie had arrived.

I briefly thought about just staying at the Brigham for a little while longer, but ultimately decided to go back to Children's with Chris.  We were talking with Leslie, and Chris was going over some of the details of what had happened to him over the past few days, and that's when I had the realization that Chris had been able to see Bennett move.  All I've seen is Bennett in his sedated state.  Realizing this brought the first tears of the day to my eyes.

I think it was also around this time that I was realizing that I have very little idea of what's going on with my son.  The doctors and nurses tell me, but most of the time I'm only half aware of what they are saying.  The other half is usually zoning out into some sleepy state.  Or, I also feel like I'm not there very often as I'm off pumping.  I understand the logic behind all of this.  I'm tired and I need to pump, but there is certainly Mummy guilt in the fact that I don't know what's happening.  (Because of this, at least for the near future, Daddy Chris is going to have to be the one to update you on Bennett's medical condition.

Shortly after Leslie left, Grampa Jerry and Nana Liz came by.  Since pumping is my life these days, I headed off to pump.  In general, pumping has been going ok.  Friday night I was feeling as if my milk was starting to come in.  However, the pumping session prior to this one hadn't been great, and this one was very frustrating.  My breasts (especially the right one) were rock hard.  I pumped, and had great results on the left side (15ML) but only one ML on the right side.  And I was still hard.

When I got back into the room I think this hit me.  I started crying.  Kind of hard.  We needed to eat, so Dad and Liz took us out to Bertucci's.  It was nice to get out of the hospital.  It was gorgeous out!  Just the perfect temperature.  However, when we got there I was still feeling overwhelmed.  Making a decision about what to eat was tricky.

After dinner Dad and Liz headed home and Chris and I went back up to Bennett's room to grab our stuff and say good night.  Luckily it wasn't super late at this point- probably around 9:30 or so.  When we got back to my room at the Brigham I called my nurse for meds.  I was in pain- both in my abdomen and also my breasts.  I started crying again.  She was wonderful- offering multiple suggestions of things to try (ice, certain positions, etc).  And she also asked some of the other nurses for other suggestions.

And Chris has been great.  I think we both realized I need more support.  I've been trying to let him sleep through my nighttime pumping, but it makes it worse for me.  So last night he was wonderful getting up to help me with setup, washing pump parts, etc.  And I'm still engorged and in pain, but at least the night wasn't as bad as it could have been.

This morning the OB doctor came in, removed my staples, and basically cleared me to go home.  I cried again over my frustrations, but she was very understanding.  It's odd how such a seemingly normal and routine thing can frustrate me so much.  She also is going to do what she can to have a lactation consultant see me before we leave this morning.  If that doesn't happen, I'll make sure that I see one at Children's tomorrow.

So to sum everything up, I'm frustrated- partly because I don't know what's going on with Bennett.  My brain is mush.  I'm constantly tired.  I'm busy with visitors (this doesn't mean you should stop visiting.)  I'm buty with pumping.  I just can't keep it all together anymore.
And now- for a final word to everyone who we know only mean well....
Please don't tell me that I need to be taking care of myself.  That I need to remember to eat and sleep.  I know this.  We both know this.  We are eating.  I'm drinking plenty of fluids.  I'm sleeping as much as I can.  If Bennett were in the room with us, I'd be waking up as much as this so that I can feed him and I wouldn't get so much of what comes across as criticism.  I want to ultimately be able to breastfeed Bennett.  To be able to do that, I need to keep up with pumping as frequently as I would feed him.  This means pumping every 2-3 hours.  Since there's set-up and clean-up time that goes along with pumping, I feel as if I'm always pumping.  Or at least I should be.  I find that I may not be pumping as frequently as I should since I feel like I'm always pumping, but I also know I need to be better at it and keep to a schedule.