An update

Here are a few updates.  We've both been meaning to post with an update for quite some time now, but sitting down in front of the computer and getting our thoughts down in a coherent manner is difficult.  A few days ago I started making notes to myself of things that I wanted to mention, and it just took me a few minutes to figure out what one of my notes meant.  So, let's get this out before I forget even more.

Bennett milestones-

• He's started getting breastmilk via feeding tube.  They tried this one day earlier in the week and had been giving him too much too soon, so they stopped and started again a couple of days later.  He's now been getting it for a few days with no problems.  They have added some formula to the breast milk in order to give him more calories without increasing the volume of liquid.  They're hoping to help him increase his weight more quickly.  Although I understand the logic behind it, I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Isn't breastmilk supposed to be a superfood that shouldn't need to be supplemented?
• Earlier in the week (I don't remember which day now- Tuesday, maybe?) they turned off the meds that had been paralyzing him.  It was great to slowly start to see him moving around more.  First, his eyes opening, then him reacting to touching his feet, and then moving his arms.  Now he's moving around like a normal little baby.
• On Wednesday he celebrated his 1 week birthday. In true scrapbooker fashion, I made a little sign for him.  I plan to have these every week to begin with, then every month, as a way to show his growth.
• When I was pregnant I knit a pair of socks for him.  We had brought in some other socks/booties but they've all been huge on him.  The hand-knits fit perfectly!  And of the nurses who come by rave about how great they are.  It almost makes me want to knit another pair- except the needles that I used are so tiny it hurts to knit them.
• On  Friday he had his breathing tube removed!  We got to hear him cry.  Such a wonderful sound.  
• Thursday I got to hold him for the first time, and we've been able to hold him pretty much every day since then.  Each nurse has a different way for us to hold him, and some like him piled up with blankets more than others, but it's great to be able to do this.  I just wish I had asked earlier.  We had kind of thought we weren't allowed since there were so many tubes/wires.  I asked one of the nurses on Thursday when I would be able to, and she seemed shocked that I hadn't held him yet.  She quickly made sure that I was able to do so.

Stuff about Mumma-

• Pumping has gotten much better!  There are some better days than others, but overall it's going well.  Monday one of the lactation consultants came by.  She spent about half an hour with me, massaging and squeezing my breasts to work out the clogged ducts.  We got 150ML out of me, compared to maybe the 15-30 I had been getting on my own.  Wow!  I haven't gotten nearly that much since, but it's been going well.  And when I start to have problems I know how to fix them.  And she's come back frequently since then and helps me with little problems I'm having.  Chris and I kid around that Kim is my new best friend.  :)  I was having some problems with my pump yesterday, but Chris and I came up with a work-around.  We'll need to ask Kim if it's a problem with the pump or if it was something with me- maybe another clog or something.
• After the struggles that I was having with pumping, the nurse tonight commented that I have so much milk at the hospital now that I don't need to bring in what I pump at home- we can just freeze it and keep it for ourselves.  I guess it's nice to know I'm already building up a stash.  Apparently I'm a very good producer and I have no issues with my supply.  She also suggested that since I have such a good supply I shouldn't set an alarm at night and that I should let myself sleep, but I disagree with that advice.
• When I was over at the Brigham, the nurses were constantly checking my feet to see if they were swollen.  They never really got that bad.  Monday they were very swollen.  Tuesday they were just as bad.  Wednesday I went over to my OB's office to follow up on some paperwork and asked if a nurse could take a look at my feet.  They brought me back and had me do the normal OB appointment stuff- blood pressure check, weight check, and urine check.  Odd just for swollen feet, but whatever.  Apparently my blood pressure was rather high.  20 minutes later they re-checked and it was fine.  But since it was high my OB freaked out.  No one ever looked at my feet, but she sent me off to have some blood work done and to come back the next day for another BP check. She also wrote me a script for a diuretic in case I was retaining extra fluid.  By the time I got home, without taking any pills, my feet were much better.  The next day, my blood pressure was fine.  This OB likes to worry about everything!
• One nice thing about going back to the OB was that because of the weight check, I was able to see how much I've lost.  But the results surprised me.  On Wednesday, a week after giving birth, I had only lost 5 pounds.  That's not much more than Bennett weighs.  We had just eaten, so that may have accounted for some of it.  By Thursday's appointment I was down another 2 pounds, so I imagine a lot of it was food/water weight.

Tough day for Mumma

Yesterday was a tough one for me- both physically and mentally.  In general, my recovery process has been going swimmingly.  I've been up and walking- perhaps even for longer distances than the nurses may like, but I've felt ok.  A little sore, but not so bad.  In fact, Friday night and Saturday morning I started to cut down on some of my doses of meds.  Pain hasn't been so bad.

Thursday and Friday mornings after waking we would make our way "quickly" over to Children's to see Bennett.  I put quickly in quotes because we found that between when we wake up and when we can leave, it seems to take 2-3 hours.  Pumping, showering, ordering food and eating, and speaking with the nurses takes a while!  But yesterday we decided to take it a little easier.  We knew we'd have a lot of visitors today over at Children's, so we spent some more time gathering some things together so that we could rest at Children's- laptop, magazines, etc.  By the time we headed over it was probably 11:00 or so.

We got there and had a little bit of time to get updated on how Bennett's doing.  And I went to pump.  Bennett's first visitors of the day were Uncle Andrew and Aunt Gentry.  Unfortunately they didn't get to stay long.  The nurse was going to remove some of Bennett's lines and wanted us to step out while she did this.  Since it was after lunch time by this point, we headed down to the cafe.  While there, Grandma and Grandpa Tedford arrived.  We all chatted for a bit and then Andrew and Gentry had to leave for a wedding that they were going to.  I felt bad that their visit with Bennett was so short, but there will be plenty more opportunities.

A short while later Mel arrived.  She seems to have a knack for timing her visits when I'm pumping. :)  When she came by on Friday I was just finishing up, and yesterday I was just starting.  She got to visit with Bennett, Daddy Chris, and the grandparents while I pumped.  Unfortunately her visit was probably cut short by my clumsiness. 


I  had been at the sink washing my pump parts.  As I turned to walk to put the parts away, the leg of my pants got stuck on the footrest of the wheelchair and down I went.  According to those who saw, it was a very graceful fall.  Bennett's nurse had stepped out of the room, but another nurse came over to make sure I was ok.  When Ben's nurse returned she told me I had to go get checked out.  I was going to go anyway, but she was pretty insistent that I go in the next 20 minutes.  So everyone took this as their cue to leave.  Mel headed home and the grandparents headed back to our house.

Chris and I headed back to the Brigham.  Although I had walked over to Children's in the morning, we had brought a wheelchair in case I needed it.  I needed it to get back!  I'll admit it, I was in pain.  Part of the pain was probably just due to the fact that I was overdue to take my meds, but other pain was fall related.  When we got back to my room we had a nurse come in and check me out, and she had a doctor come by who asked me a few questions as well, just to be safe.  All looked good, but I was sore.  And tired.  I lay in bed for a while until we got a call that Chris' co-worker Leslie had arrived.

I briefly thought about just staying at the Brigham for a little while longer, but ultimately decided to go back to Children's with Chris.  We were talking with Leslie, and Chris was going over some of the details of what had happened to him over the past few days, and that's when I had the realization that Chris had been able to see Bennett move.  All I've seen is Bennett in his sedated state.  Realizing this brought the first tears of the day to my eyes.

I think it was also around this time that I was realizing that I have very little idea of what's going on with my son.  The doctors and nurses tell me, but most of the time I'm only half aware of what they are saying.  The other half is usually zoning out into some sleepy state.  Or, I also feel like I'm not there very often as I'm off pumping.  I understand the logic behind all of this.  I'm tired and I need to pump, but there is certainly Mummy guilt in the fact that I don't know what's happening.  (Because of this, at least for the near future, Daddy Chris is going to have to be the one to update you on Bennett's medical condition.

Shortly after Leslie left, Grampa Jerry and Nana Liz came by.  Since pumping is my life these days, I headed off to pump.  In general, pumping has been going ok.  Friday night I was feeling as if my milk was starting to come in.  However, the pumping session prior to this one hadn't been great, and this one was very frustrating.  My breasts (especially the right one) were rock hard.  I pumped, and had great results on the left side (15ML) but only one ML on the right side.  And I was still hard.

When I got back into the room I think this hit me.  I started crying.  Kind of hard.  We needed to eat, so Dad and Liz took us out to Bertucci's.  It was nice to get out of the hospital.  It was gorgeous out!  Just the perfect temperature.  However, when we got there I was still feeling overwhelmed.  Making a decision about what to eat was tricky.

After dinner Dad and Liz headed home and Chris and I went back up to Bennett's room to grab our stuff and say good night.  Luckily it wasn't super late at this point- probably around 9:30 or so.  When we got back to my room at the Brigham I called my nurse for meds.  I was in pain- both in my abdomen and also my breasts.  I started crying again.  She was wonderful- offering multiple suggestions of things to try (ice, certain positions, etc).  And she also asked some of the other nurses for other suggestions.

And Chris has been great.  I think we both realized I need more support.  I've been trying to let him sleep through my nighttime pumping, but it makes it worse for me.  So last night he was wonderful getting up to help me with setup, washing pump parts, etc.  And I'm still engorged and in pain, but at least the night wasn't as bad as it could have been.

This morning the OB doctor came in, removed my staples, and basically cleared me to go home.  I cried again over my frustrations, but she was very understanding.  It's odd how such a seemingly normal and routine thing can frustrate me so much.  She also is going to do what she can to have a lactation consultant see me before we leave this morning.  If that doesn't happen, I'll make sure that I see one at Children's tomorrow.

So to sum everything up, I'm frustrated- partly because I don't know what's going on with Bennett.  My brain is mush.  I'm constantly tired.  I'm busy with visitors (this doesn't mean you should stop visiting.)  I'm buty with pumping.  I just can't keep it all together anymore.
And now- for a final word to everyone who we know only mean well....
Please don't tell me that I need to be taking care of myself.  That I need to remember to eat and sleep.  I know this.  We both know this.  We are eating.  I'm drinking plenty of fluids.  I'm sleeping as much as I can.  If Bennett were in the room with us, I'd be waking up as much as this so that I can feed him and I wouldn't get so much of what comes across as criticism.  I want to ultimately be able to breastfeed Bennett.  To be able to do that, I need to keep up with pumping as frequently as I would feed him.  This means pumping every 2-3 hours.  Since there's set-up and clean-up time that goes along with pumping, I feel as if I'm always pumping.  Or at least I should be.  I find that I may not be pumping as frequently as I should since I feel like I'm always pumping, but I also know I need to be better at it and keep to a schedule.