Denial is not a River in Egypt

I've been in denial with myself pretty much all day.

I woke up this morning and when I went to the bathroom there was a smidgen of blood. No worries, I thought. Probably just from being a bit rough with our amorous activities. I put in a tampon just to be safe.

When I got home from skating and a couple of other errands I changed the tampon and it was pretty bloody. Not as much as it could be, but still. Yet I was still in denial. Spotting, I told myself. That's all it is.

Yeah, not so much. This afternoon the cramping started.

I think this time is worse than others since it went on so long and we both really had our hopes up. And I also made the mistake of starting to check out strollers at BabiesRUs.com. That, combined with our various discussions and plans. Sure we kept saying we were being cautiously optimistic, but I think we both were forgetting to take caution.

Still no information one way or the other. However, my BBT was a bit lower today.

Chris asked last night about the status and I told him I'd had a negative test but it didn't necessarily mean anything- that sometimes people are pregnant and they get negative home tests. I said I planned to wait a week and then call the doctor. He wanted me to call earlier. I said that it didn't really matter when I called. I either am pregnant or I'm not. Getting the info doesn't change anything. I wish I knew for sure right now, but in some ways I'm ok waiting. At least now I can be hopeful of good results.

Results

Day 38. I took another test this morning. Negative. Again. I think this one bummed me out more than any of the others. At any rate, I certainly believe this one more than the one I took last week. But come on already! This is getting ridiculous. And I'm wondering at what point I call the doctor. Seems like a waste if it is nothing- just me having a really long cycle. But could be worth it if it's something more.

I mentioned yesterday that I thought it was day 37. I was wrong. That's today. I didn't test this morning. I didn't want Chris to come into the bathroom and see the test on the counter, thus potentially messing up any chance of me telling him in a fun way.

Tomorrow we are driving to work separately, so this means I'll be able to get up later and won't have to worry about him seeing anything before he is supposed to.

In the past months although I've hoped for positive tests, I haven't been super disappointed with negative tests. And even the negative I got last week wasn't such a big deal to me. But I think if I get another negative this time I'll be pretty bummed out. I'm starting to feel really hopeful.

Thoughts from the weekend

Chris mentioned that all week he was expecting to go downstairs to make his morning bagel and find something in the toaster oven. (Bun in the oven.)

We went to the Museum of Science over the weekend and I dragged him into the exhibit on human reproduction. And I made him watch a birth video. He was extremely grossed out.

And still, I don't know anything. I'm trying to wait a little longer before taking another test. I believe today is day 37, which is the longest of my previous cycles. So maybe tomorrow I'll try testing again.

I have a dentist appointment on Wednesday and I can't remember if I'm scheduled for x-rays or not, so I should probably know for certain (or as certain as I can be) before I go in for my appointment.

Which is worse?

I'm not sure which is worse- the time before testing when you wonder if you're pregnant or not, or the time after getting a negative test when you wonder when the heck you're going to get your period. And then you're torn between wishing it was a faulty test or wishing it would arrive soon so that you can get the next cycle started already. In my case, after testing I read the line about not overhydrating before testing. And I've been drinking a lot today.

Thoughts on a Thursday morning

I remain cautiously optimistic

Chris asked last night about timing, but doesn't want to know specifics. Just wondering if it was around the time I should test. I told him I am cautiously optimistic, and he likes that term. I told about testing earlier and then always getting period. He agreed that was jinxing us and said to stop doing that.

I had a dream last night that I took pregnancy test. It said not pregnant- miscarry- reason #12. What's that supposed to mean?

Today is the day that computer tells me I should test. Unsure if I want to test today or wait even longer. If I buy a test I will want to use it right away. If I wait to buy one I can hold out a little longer, but if it's in the house, I will use it.

Have thought of a way to tell Chris when the time comes. He has said we can't buy the baby name book until we're pregnant. So when I find I'm pg, I'll buy the book and leave it out for him.

Starting to think of ways to tell the parents. Mother's Day? Too far away. British Mother's Day? Easter? In the south, there's a tradition on Good Friday of having a pregnant woman walk the rows of your garden to ensure a good harvest. Thinking of calling and asking if they need me to walk in their garden.

I'm being cautiously optimistic today. And I know that by tomorrow I could very easily be bummed about how things turned out.

But today, by BBT remains high. And it's day 31. I know that tomorrow everything could change, but for now, I'm hopeful.

Initial thoughts

I've thought about starting this blog for a number of months now. Initially it is more as a journal for me- a way to capture my thoughts as we go through the baby making process. Then eventually it will be a place to share with friends and family.

It's now the end of month eight of trying to make a baby. It's a bit of a frustrating process. I never did have regular periods. This is the main reason why I went on the pill 15 years ago. So when I stopped taking it, I didn't really expect to have a "normal" period. And I haven't. My cycles have ranged from 27-37 days. (A doctor once told me that as long as you get your period at least every two months, you were considered normal. How the heck is that normal?)

So now it's day 30. Nothing yet, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. The past two months, when I got to about this point I took a pregnancy test. It would read negative, and then I'd immediately start my period. Although I don't think I was jinxing myself by taking the test, it certainly could seem that way. So I'm kind of putting off going out and buying another test.

Back in December 2008 we were in Georgia for Christmas. Chris had mentioned to his sister that during the next year we would start trying. We were thinking start in May-ish. As we were leaving, she made a comment about how hopefully we would have a baby when she next saw us. Um, hello?! Give us some time! Not only were we not planning to start on January 1st, but these things sometimes take a while. However, neither of her two kids were exactly planned, so she doesn't necessarily have a realistic concept of how these things sometimes take time.

I also have a gripe about ovulation prediction tests. If I need to keep using them, it's probably time for me to switch brands. The brand I've been using says that the test line needs to be equal or greater than the reference line in terms of intensity. But when I test, it's so hard to tell. I think I get a positive test, but then based on a test a few days later I think that maybe the first one wasn't as intense as I thought it was. And then I compare my temps to what the OPK says, and the dates don't match. No wonder this whole process is so confusing and frustrating!