Month Nine

We're in the ninth month of trying. And once again we're at the waiting and wondering stage. Today is day 31 of my cycle. My average is now 32 days, and according to the computer I'm not supposed to test until day 34. We'll see if I can wait another 3 days. I picked up some tests yesterday and I was pretty sure that I was going to test this morning, but I ended up waiting. I guess after nine months I now have a little willpower? Not sure what that's about.

New tests make a world of difference!

So for the past few months I've been sticking to one brand of ovulation prediction kits. And I've been not so thrilled with the results. You have to compare the intensity of two lines, and I've found it very difficult to say for certain if it's a positive test or not. Well this month I'm trying a new brand. Wow! Night and day. I got a circle yesterday saying not ovulating, and a smiley face today, which means I am. Fingers crossed for good luck this month.

Baby Making Hair

I went to get my hair cut and colored on Saturday. Since I was going to be there for a while, I brought some knitting with me. My hairdresser asked me what I was making, so I showed her. It's a cute baby outfit so I explained that it wasn't for me, but for a friend. Then she asked something about us and babies and I said that we were working on it. So then she replied that she was going to give me "baby making hair". Right, as if the hair is what the problem was. :)

Denial is not a River in Egypt

I've been in denial with myself pretty much all day.

I woke up this morning and when I went to the bathroom there was a smidgen of blood. No worries, I thought. Probably just from being a bit rough with our amorous activities. I put in a tampon just to be safe.

When I got home from skating and a couple of other errands I changed the tampon and it was pretty bloody. Not as much as it could be, but still. Yet I was still in denial. Spotting, I told myself. That's all it is.

Yeah, not so much. This afternoon the cramping started.

I think this time is worse than others since it went on so long and we both really had our hopes up. And I also made the mistake of starting to check out strollers at BabiesRUs.com. That, combined with our various discussions and plans. Sure we kept saying we were being cautiously optimistic, but I think we both were forgetting to take caution.

Still no information one way or the other. However, my BBT was a bit lower today.

Chris asked last night about the status and I told him I'd had a negative test but it didn't necessarily mean anything- that sometimes people are pregnant and they get negative home tests. I said I planned to wait a week and then call the doctor. He wanted me to call earlier. I said that it didn't really matter when I called. I either am pregnant or I'm not. Getting the info doesn't change anything. I wish I knew for sure right now, but in some ways I'm ok waiting. At least now I can be hopeful of good results.

Results

Day 38. I took another test this morning. Negative. Again. I think this one bummed me out more than any of the others. At any rate, I certainly believe this one more than the one I took last week. But come on already! This is getting ridiculous. And I'm wondering at what point I call the doctor. Seems like a waste if it is nothing- just me having a really long cycle. But could be worth it if it's something more.

I mentioned yesterday that I thought it was day 37. I was wrong. That's today. I didn't test this morning. I didn't want Chris to come into the bathroom and see the test on the counter, thus potentially messing up any chance of me telling him in a fun way.

Tomorrow we are driving to work separately, so this means I'll be able to get up later and won't have to worry about him seeing anything before he is supposed to.

In the past months although I've hoped for positive tests, I haven't been super disappointed with negative tests. And even the negative I got last week wasn't such a big deal to me. But I think if I get another negative this time I'll be pretty bummed out. I'm starting to feel really hopeful.

Thoughts from the weekend

Chris mentioned that all week he was expecting to go downstairs to make his morning bagel and find something in the toaster oven. (Bun in the oven.)

We went to the Museum of Science over the weekend and I dragged him into the exhibit on human reproduction. And I made him watch a birth video. He was extremely grossed out.

And still, I don't know anything. I'm trying to wait a little longer before taking another test. I believe today is day 37, which is the longest of my previous cycles. So maybe tomorrow I'll try testing again.

I have a dentist appointment on Wednesday and I can't remember if I'm scheduled for x-rays or not, so I should probably know for certain (or as certain as I can be) before I go in for my appointment.

Which is worse?

I'm not sure which is worse- the time before testing when you wonder if you're pregnant or not, or the time after getting a negative test when you wonder when the heck you're going to get your period. And then you're torn between wishing it was a faulty test or wishing it would arrive soon so that you can get the next cycle started already. In my case, after testing I read the line about not overhydrating before testing. And I've been drinking a lot today.

Thoughts on a Thursday morning

I remain cautiously optimistic

Chris asked last night about timing, but doesn't want to know specifics. Just wondering if it was around the time I should test. I told him I am cautiously optimistic, and he likes that term. I told about testing earlier and then always getting period. He agreed that was jinxing us and said to stop doing that.

I had a dream last night that I took pregnancy test. It said not pregnant- miscarry- reason #12. What's that supposed to mean?

Today is the day that computer tells me I should test. Unsure if I want to test today or wait even longer. If I buy a test I will want to use it right away. If I wait to buy one I can hold out a little longer, but if it's in the house, I will use it.

Have thought of a way to tell Chris when the time comes. He has said we can't buy the baby name book until we're pregnant. So when I find I'm pg, I'll buy the book and leave it out for him.

Starting to think of ways to tell the parents. Mother's Day? Too far away. British Mother's Day? Easter? In the south, there's a tradition on Good Friday of having a pregnant woman walk the rows of your garden to ensure a good harvest. Thinking of calling and asking if they need me to walk in their garden.

I'm being cautiously optimistic today. And I know that by tomorrow I could very easily be bummed about how things turned out.

But today, by BBT remains high. And it's day 31. I know that tomorrow everything could change, but for now, I'm hopeful.